As I raise my kids, I find myself repeating a phrase more and more: “You are not the parent.” This simple reminder serves many purposes, but most often it’s because one brother is quick to instruct another on what he should be doing.
Just last week, Amanda asked the boys to tidy their rooms. Instead of cleaning, each child spent most of the time directing someone else. The result? Lots of bossing, very little cleaning. The instructions were clear: Theo needed to pick up the Hot Wheels, Milo was supposed to collect the Legos, and Cooper had the dinosaurs. Yet somehow, telling someone else to clean seemed far easier than actually doing it themselves. As little boys, their main responsibility isn’t to manage their siblings, but to carry out their own tasks. The job of parenting isn’t theirs to take on.
The real problem surfaces when one brother grows frustrated with the other for giving orders, often repeating what their parents have already said. What starts as a simple task can quickly become a contest for authority, with each child wanting to be in charge. The squabbling erupts, and I find myself sorting out what actually happened. Inevitably, someone complains, “They keep telling me what to do.” It’s in these moments I gently remind them who is truly in charge, and who is meant to be the parent.
In truth, we’re much the same. It’s easy to tell others what to do without holding ourselves to the same expectations. We often delegate what’s ours to someone else, finding comfort in observing rather than participating. But as the old saying goes, “Whenever we point a finger, there are three pointing back at us.” This realization can be humbling, but it also offers hope, reminding us that self-awareness is the first step toward positive change.
Just as my boys learn to focus on their own tasks, we too can choose to embrace our responsibilities. Each day is a new opportunity to grow, to set aside judgment, and to build one another up. There is always hope for progress, even if it comes in small, patient steps. At the end of Joseph’s life, there is a beautiful lesson on forgiveness, but wrapped up in this exchange is who is really in charge. Joseph’s brothers are worried their past experiences are going to catch up to them when their father dies. They are worried that Joseph will become vengeful and exact retaliation for everything they did to him.
Genesis 50:15-20 “When Joseph’s brothers saw that their father was dead, they said, “It may be that Joseph will hate us and pay us back for all the evil that we did to him.” 16 So they sent a message to Joseph, saying, “Your father gave this command before he died: 17 ‘Say to Joseph, “Please forgive the transgression of your brothers and their sin, because they did evil to you.”‘ And now, please forgive the transgression of the servants of the God of your father.” Joseph wept when they spoke to him. 18 His brothers also came and fell down before him and said, “Behold, we are your servants.” 19 But Joseph said to them, “Do not fear, for am I in the place of God? 20 As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today.”
Joseph’s brothers ask for forgiveness, and Joseph responds with remarkable humility, the answer of a true steward: “Do not fear, for am I in the place of God?” He recognizes that he is not in charge and that the authority to judge or seek revenge does not belong to him. This belongs to God alone. Like a child who learns to trust a parent’s authority, Joseph gently reminds his brothers that some responsibilities are not his to carry. Only God can truly commend or condemn. Joseph acknowledges his limits and entrusts justice to God.
James echoes this truth in his letter: “Do not speak evil against one another, brothers. The one who speaks against a brother or judges his brother, speaks evil against the law and judges the law. But if you judge the law, you are not a doer of the law but a judge. There is only one lawgiver and judge, he who is able to save and to destroy. But who are you to judge your neighbor?” (James 4:11-12 ESV)
When my boys are asked to clean their rooms, that is their only task. It may seem easier to direct their brothers, but that isn’t their responsibility. The same lesson applies to us. Joseph’s calling was to forgive, not to seek revenge. Scripture reminds us: “Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, ‘Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.’” (Romans 12:19). We can all be tempted to take control of matters that are not ours, thinking we know best or should be the one in charge. Yet, real hope comes when we focus on our responsibilities and trust that God handles the rest. It might be hard to clean our own rooms, but there is genuine growth and even joy when we do what is ours to do.
Joseph understood that revenge was not his to pursue; he faithfully left that in God’s hands. Our role, too, is to forgive when others wrong us, to trust the ultimate outcome to a higher authority. Hope grows when we release what isn’t ours to carry and remember that when it comes to judgment and retribution, we are not the parent.